Stay Off the Sidelines
by Amy Diller
When you bring home that adorable little bundle from the hospital, you are in survival mode for a while. Eventually, as your little one grows, life settles into more of a routine, and you begin thinking about this whole parenting thing. One of the things you must consider is the end game. Your most important investment is your children. Learning how to actively instill a solid faith foundation, strong relationships, and the influence of culture with your children involves small, consistent moments leading up to the long-term parenting goal – raising a future adult. So let’s look at a few areas where we can actively take advantage of teachable moments.
Spiritual Goals
You are the single most important spiritual influence in the lives of your kids. What do you want to encourage them toward? A strong faith and relationship with the Lord that they’ll be able to stand on independently someday should be the goal. God clearly establishes the responsibility you have to your children in Deuteronomy 6:4-9.
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
It’s easy to relinquish the role of spiritual influence to the church and stand on the sidelines, hoping your kids get what they need from their leaders and teachers. The church can provide support and other voices pouring into your kids, but it’s the day-to-day faith moments at home that establish your child’s spiritual understanding. Sometimes parents feel inadequate in the area of spiritual formation. That’s okay – do it anyway. When your relationship with Jesus is strong, it’ll overflow, and your kids will absorb it. You don’t have to have a church service at home every night before bed. Look for teachable moments such as:
● At a meal or in the car, have everyone (parents included) thank the Lord for something.
● Take moments to marvel in God as Creator and His creation, looking at the enormous things and the small, intricate things in nature and in people.
● When you hear about a prayer request, invite your kids to participate with you in prayer.
● Create an environment where questions about God are encouraged. Share your own questions. Even if you don’t have the answer, church leaders are your go-to resource.
● Talk about things the Lord is teaching you. Ask your kids what He is teaching them.
Relational Goals
A strong relationship between parent and child built on trust, truth, and love creates an environment ripe for instilling a faith and for addressing the influence of culture. Without this piece, spiritual and cultural instruction is less likely to stick. Here are a few ways to step off the sidelines and fully participate:
● Be truthful. Truth builds trust. If your child knows you will be honest with them, how much easier it’ll be to keep the door open between you!
● Love lavishly the way Christ loves us. Your child needs to hear and feel your loving words so much more often than they hear negative things.
● Participate in activities that are important to them. Sharing your time in meaningful ways is another way of saying I love you.
● Ask open-ended questions. Things like “What was the best/worst part of your day?” and “How did it make you feel when_____happened?” Maintain eye contact and listen with your full attention.
● Make sure they know that you are a safe place. When kids make mistakes, when they are hurting, when they’re afraid, they need to know they can talk to you about anything.
Cultural Goals
Culture influences everyone, and you need to decide how you will handle it in your home. This is a biggie that can make parents feel like completely pulling away because it often creates uncomfortable conversations. Resist the urge to stay on the sidelines. Your involvement is crucial to help your kids learn to navigate culture. Here are a few ways to be more actively involved:
● Talk early and often to kids about why or why not certain toys, video games, music, TV shows, and movies are allowed. This helps your child understand the why behind the yes or no and helps them develop criteria for saying yes or no as they get older.
● Establish strong boundaries to keep your kids safe. As benign as some apps, games, YouTube videos etc. appear, negative messages can sneak in. Advertising, chat features, and automatic “play next video” put your kids at risk. Resources to help you are widely available online and from your church leaders.
● Don’t put your head in the sand, as difficult as it might be. Sometimes awkward conversations have to be had. Have them anyway.
● All of culture is not bad, so look for the positives. Find things to enjoy together. Download parent-approved apps your children have and learn to use them yourself. Understanding what’s out there helps you teach healthy boundaries.
● Teach your kids to say yes or no to cultural influences by asking them why they think something should or shouldn’t be allowed. If it’s a hard no for you, ask your child to express why they think you said no. If it’s a yes, do the same thing.
Parenting is hard. It requires endless intentional moments to keep the end in mind and to be all-in. Sideline parenting can be the easy choice, but it also is parenting through avoidance that accomplishes nothing of value. Be the parent who is all-in, actively participating in shaping your child spiritually, relationally, and culturally. And always remember, your kids’ church leaders are happy to support you and provide resources to help you in this journey.