Helping Your Teens Develop a Healthy Identity
by Chris Sasser
It’s no secret that teenagers today are struggling to figure out their identity. They want to know who they are and how they fit into the world. They want to believe that their life matters and they have a place. They need to be seen and loved. As their parents, we have a tremendous influence on how they navigate these thoughts and struggles.
If you are hoping and praying that your teen will come to understand who they are in the context of a relationship with God, there are some practical things you can do during the teenage years that will help move them in that direction. These are not quick fixes, and they take some thought and intentionality. But, if you lean into some of these ideas and practices, your teenager will be much more likely to step into their identity in Christ, and this identity will slowly begin to impact every area of their life.
Model having and living your identity in Christ.
“If it’s to be, it starts with me!” This popular quote is usually employed to motivate people to take ownership and initiative when it comes to accomplishing things in life. I think we can take this secular, self-motivating challenge and apply it to the way we are leading our teens. We have to understand that who we believe we are has a direct impact on who our teens believe they are.
If you believe in and follow Jesus, you understand that part of your mission in the world is to share His love with others. When it comes to our teenagers, one of the ultimate goals is to help them know and embrace their identity in Christ. As we seek to help them develop a healthy identity, we first have to understand our own identity. As a follower of Jesus, I need to take time every day to remember who I am and, more importantly, who’s I am. I am a child of God, loved by Him and created to do good works in this world (Ephesians 2:10). As I seek to grasp this each and every day, I have to do my best to model this to my children. As parents, we have to know who we are in Christ and do our best to live it out every day. If I don’t believe that I am created and loved by God, it will be hard for my teenager to believe the same. One counselor I talked to about this said it this way: “It starts with the parents and their identity. What does the parent identify with? Work? Success? Whatever that is, the kids will follow for sure.”
We all know that more is caught than taught. Our teenagers need to catch us living into our identity in Christ and modeling what that looks like each day.
Affirm and teach identity in Christ.
As we seek to live into our own identity, we have the opportunity to point our teens to their identity in Christ. If they can believe that they are who God says they are, they will be on their way to establishing an identity that will give them a solid foundation for life.
Remind your teenager that:
They are a child of God.
They are fully approved, fully accepted, and fully loved by God.
They are a beloved child of their parents.
They are a part of a much bigger plan.
They were created for a purpose.
They are uniquely gifted by God.
They have a bright future.
God is always with them.
When our kids were very young, I started trying to instill God’s truth into their hearts through a bedtime routine. On many nights, I would ask them a series of “Did you know?” questions. It began with, “Did you know that your mother, brother/sister, and I love you very much?” It was followed by, “Did you know that as much as we love you, God loves you more?” The third question was, “Did you know that you are so very special?” And the fourth was, “Did you know that you can do anything with God’s help?” After doing this a handful of times, I would begin with “Did you know?” and they would begin to recite the questions with me. When they were younger, I would do this several times a week, and it was tons of fun. As they grew older, I would do it less frequently, and instead of reciting the questions with me, they might offer a bit of an eye roll. As the first set of truths took root, we began adding more questions to instill more ideas. We are now up to twelve. Each question is designed to plant in their hearts and minds a truth about who God is and their identity in Him. Even now that they are teenagers, we will occasionally go back to the questions to remind them of the truths of who they are in Christ.
Another way we can teach our children to grab hold of the identity they have in God is to affirm what you see in them when it comes to their character. Instead of rewarding your son or daughter for the good grades they earned, celebrate how hard he or she worked to accomplish the goal. Look for times when your teenager exhibits a fruit of the spirit, like kindness, gentleness, or self-control, and highlight that. Let’s reward our children (primarily verbally) when we see them embracing and living out their faith.
Let them know you love them and you like them.
All kids, teenagers, and adults want to feel loved. We’re just wired that way. As parents, we sometimes do a good job telling our teenagers that we love them. They tend to believe it, but they also can think it’s a part of the parental job description. Years ago, I was encouraged to not only tell my kids that I love them but to tell them that I like them. Deep down, they know that we love them. I do think they sometimes wonder if we like them. Think about it. Much of your interaction with your teenager likely revolves around what you need them to do – direction and correction. The relationship can seem one-sided and mechanical, especially if there begins to be some emotional distance. Our teens need to believe that we want to be around them, that we enjoy their company, and that they have something to offer the relationship.
When thinking about the culture that we are creating in our home, I’ve begun to ask myself the following questions: When I am correcting my kids, is it because what they are doing is wrong or sinful? Or does it just bug me? Do we subconsciously make rules in our home based on things that annoy us as parents without evaluating whether the action itself is even wrong? If we take that one seriously, it can really be a punch to the gut.
Often, things that bug us as adults are simply normal child or adolescent behavior. As we correct and discipline our kids for things that aren’t inherently wrong, they begin to believe that we don’t like them and who they are. They question their identity as a valuable member of our family. We need to do everything we can to make sure our teenagers know that we both love them and we like them. If they feel accepted, liked, and loved by the people who are most important to them, it will relieve a huge amount of pressure and allow them to sort out their identity in a much healthier way.
** Some of this article is an adaptation of chapter four of “Bags: Helping Your Kids Lighten the Load” by Chris Sasser