The Truth From Single Parents
by Amy Diller and Chris Sasser

For all our years of working on staff at local churches, there is one area where we have consistently fallen short, and that is in supporting single parents. There’s a difference between having compassion for those in challenging life circumstances and specifically addressing their unique needs. All parents benefit from resources to help them lead their kids and teens spiritually at home. All parents need connection with others who are also raising children to find community and encouragement. However, in addition to those things that we do, single parents need far more care than what we typically offer.

We’re not single parents, nor do we have any perfect methods for reaching single parents and their teenagers as church leaders. Instead of offering you our lack of insight, we turned to those who know this topic best – single moms and dads with kids of all ages, from little ones to adults. Below, you’ll find some of the questions we asked, along with their raw, unfiltered answers.

What is the hardest thing about being a single parent?

• Feeling like you have to do a lot of day-to-day stuff by yourself! Even in the church, you tend to feel like a fifth wheel.
• I’m not sure there is a “hardest” ‘cause it’s all hard.
• Feeling alone and afraid you’re ruining your kids.
• You are it most of the time. You take care of the sicknesses, the heartbreaks, the discipline, and the school activities.
• Dealing with the emotions of your own heartache.
• Financially supporting myself and my kids and juggling being there for them while having to work full time.
• The hardest part for me was the lack of income.

What’s something you feel others don’t understand about single parenting?

• How much you struggle with day-to-day tasks and sometimes the feelings of loneliness and/or isolation. As another single parent told me, “The Church has made an idol out of marriage.”
• People don’t understand the enormity of the change in your life. Your whole world is uprooted, and you’re in a place of grieving.
• There is not a lot of free time until the kids are a certain age or you can afford a babysitter.
• The emotions you carry with no one to talk to, like a spouse, on a constant basis. Your parents can only hear so much, and it’s hard to call friends at 3 AM when you wake up in tears from sheer exhaustion.
• I feel like most two-parent households don’t understand that, even in this modern day, there is an unnecessary negative stigma surrounding single parents.
• It’s hard to ask for help most of the time because there’s just so much on our plate. We don’t really know what we need help with!

If your child’s/children’s other parent is involved, how do you navigate that relationship?

• Dealing with my ex was tough. I learned never to make promises about the other parent. You can’t guarantee that Dad is coming to pick them up, and then you’re the bad guy when he doesn’t show.
• I became a single father through a divorce my wife wanted. She was looking to live a party life, and she felt like the kids were anchors. I tried to give her freedom to see the kids as long as it didn’t take away from or hurt their spiritual lives.
• Only one of my children’s parents was truly involved, but it took years to get that. Even still, he was not always receptive to my ideas. He made it very difficult to co-parent with him. It was easy if everything was on his terms.
• Balancing the relationship with my children’s father is the single biggest stressor in my life, but nonetheless, I persevere and continue making a relationship with him possible for the kids.
• Despite everything that has happened, they are truly half him, too.
• My second child sees his father, but having different parenting styles makes it hard. Trying to communicate is difficult because we’re not on the same page.

How have you felt supported or not supported by your church?

• I haven’t sought help from the church because it seems like they only offer things for married people. I don’t hear about single-parent support groups.
• I tried to get my son a mentor for years. I can see the damage that not having a man in his life has caused. I even wept on the pastor’s desk, trying to get help.
• As a pastor, I have gotten some support, but I think it is because I’m the pastor. I know many single parents who really struggle to find their place in the church. They are typically working multiple jobs and find it hard to connect where they can both volunteer and be ministered to.
• Classes at church when childcare was offered were awesome. One church offered free oil changes every three months. What a blessing that was!
• I’m not sure I ever really had support from pastors.
• My church was a huge help as they had a few different ministries involving single parents and divorced people. They were extremely welcoming and did not make you feel less than you were because of your circumstances.
• At my previous church, they really made me feel like I failed.
• As a single parent, it’s really hard to fit in. There were no singles small group classes, only young married. I think there has to be some sort of class or group at churches for us because we don’t fit into the other groups.
• I didn’t feel supported by my clergy, especially when my kids were little. It was partially because of my own pride and partly because of my fear of being looked down on by my peers.
• I did not feel supported by the church or the pastors. I remember at my previous church, my husband at the time was treating me poorly and hurting my son. The pastors looked the other way.

What areas can churches and pastors improve to better serve single parents and their children?

• It would be nice to have an outlet to talk with others and share ideas and support in a single-parent group.
• Go beyond “Church and Family” and move to a “Church AS Family” model. Do less affinity programming only and consider how to make everyone feel like they are a part of God’s family.
• Help with house cleaning, babysitting, transportation, and counseling. Financial help – monthly bills, car repairs, Christmas gifts, school supplies, etc.
• Accept single parenting as a part of the community and do something for this group. I am not saying to encourage divorce, but when it happens, and children are involved, churches should be the first ones knocking at the door wanting to help.
• Churches could offer parenting classes, single-parent small groups, and allow childcare to be available to them for no cost or a single parent/child activity night. It can sometimes be difficult to attend family events when there is only one parent.
• I think having a support network like adopt-a-grandma or hosting big brother type programs could be beneficial.
• Gathering community resources and distributing them may be helpful, or even hosting a community expo-type event could help a lot of families but especially single parent families.
• We judge from hearing one side and more or less make [single parents] feel like the lepers of old waiting for Jesus to pass by instead of understanding we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I feel churches think if they have ministries involving divorce or single parenting, then they are promoting it or something like that. Lose the judgment and do what Jesus did.

This is just a small part of the information we collected from single parents over the past couple of months. We believe these are conversations we all need to have on a regular basis with the single-parent families we serve – whether we are in a church with a thriving ministry for them or not. We also need to be talking about reaching those who are parenting alone in our community and sharing ideas with one another on how best churches can offer compassion, care, and practical help. If you are looking for a community of ministry leaders to have these conversations with, we invite you to join our Ministry to Parents Community on Facebook to connect with other volunteers, leaders, and pastors. You can find us at https://www.facebook.com/groups/m2pcommunity