“I’m Sorry” Says “I Love You”
by Amy Diller
When I was a kid, I remember my mom getting really upset with me because I had forgotten to do something I was supposed to while she was away. I was generally a responsible child and often did what I was told. Her angry outburst crushed me. I was very ashamed that I messed up and worried she would be mad at me indefinitely. Alone in my room that night, I was determined to get up in the morning and be extra good to make up for letting her down. I don’t know how much time passed before she came to talk about what had happened, but it felt like forever. Instead of the punishment I expected, she apologized for the way she handled things. I recall the impact that apology had on me, as the emotional burden I felt was eased.
As parents, we all blow it with our kids. When we’re not at our best, we are much more prone to allow heightened emotions to take the lead. On calm days, a child’s curious nature that results in a mess is much easier to chuckle about while you help them clean up. On days when our thoughts are preoccupied with all that isn’t going right, that mess can turn into a war that we are determined to win.
Resolving conflict with others is a part of working to maintain healthy relationships. As parents, our goal is to nurture a long-term heart connection with our kids. We want them to feel safe and secure in our love for them throughout the years. One of the ways we can assure them of their place in our hearts is to become good at offering sincere apologies when we’re wrong.
We aren’t naturally inclined to apologize well. When Adam and Eve sinned, and God asked them if they ate from the tree that He told them not to, Eve immediately blamed the serpent, and Adam blamed Eve. Since then, this scenario has been played out over and over again. Too often, people work harder at making excuses for their actions than taking responsibility for them. We’ve all been on the giving and receiving end of this mentality and seen how this behavior makes things worse instead of better.
Our children need us to teach them how to apologize to others as a loving response to conflict, which means we have to be good at it ourselves. Our words are always most effective when our actions mirror the message we speak. When kids see us handle issues in healthy ways with others and with them, it’s much more likely they will become people who ask for forgiveness and seek reconciliation.
A person who wants to mend rifts they’ve caused in relationships…
Takes responsibility for their actions. As quickly as possible, they go to the other person to offer an, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was wrong.”
Explain without making excuses. They let the other person know they handled things poorly and concisely share the reason why. “I was upset about ‘X,’ and I chose to take it out on you.” The words ‘if’ and ‘but’ are never involved because one negates the other person’s feelings, and the other shifts blame to someone or something else.
Asks for forgiveness. For those who follow Jesus, seeking forgiveness is two-fold. Sin affects our relationship with God and our relationship with others. The confession of sin and seeking His forgiveness is an integral part of the process.
Offers to make amends. They understand the value of saying, “How can I make this right?” When a heart connection has been broken, it needs to be repaired not only with words but with actions.
Works to change behavior. When they apologize, it’s with the knowledge that the words of an apology only extend as far as future behavior. If the same kind of offense happens repeatedly, trust is more difficult to regain. Responding in a different manner moving forward continues the work of repair.
When we say “I’m sorry” to our children, it deeply affects them in positive ways. It says we all sin and are in need of forgiveness. It shows them what it looks like to be quick to humble themselves and offer sincere apologies. It helps maintain safety, security, and trust between us. It communicates that we highly value a close relationship with them. Above all, “I’m sorry” says, “I love you.”