Supporting Parents Who Are Hurting
by Amy Diller

Right now, there are parents in your ministry walking through difficult circumstances, and their hearts are hurting for their children. The reasons are as varied as the families you serve. Perhaps a child has been recently diagnosed with a medical condition, abuse of some kind has come to light, a special needs child requires more care than mom and dad can provide, the answer to financial strain is a second job for parents and takes away from family time…whatever the issue, it can result in heartache in the home.

At one point or another, each family in your church will find themselves facing hardship that tries to steal away their hope and trust in the Lord, leaving fear and uncertainty in its place. Some parents, more than others, will find it easier to share their burdens with us or someone else in leadership at our church, but both need our support.

As leaders, we are often called upon to step into places of pain and sorrow, but we don’t always know what to do or how we can help. My husband and I have experienced seasons with our kids that have been heartbreaking. Being able to rely on our church family, along with other family and close friends, was a huge comfort to us as we struggled to find peace in our lives. Through my family’s own story and the stories of others who I’ve been honored to walk alongside, I’ve learned some lessons about how to be a lifeline when storms come.

Be Available

When parents know you are not only invested in their children’s lives but also care about their lives as well, they see you as a person who values them. When people feel valued, they are more likely to look to you as someone they can talk to, not only about their joys but also their sorrows. Be the leader who prays with and for the parents of the kids you serve. Ask the Lord to guide your conversations and deepen relationships within your ministry. Set aside some time throughout the week to follow up on the quick exchanges you have during services so you can give your full attention to the parents who need to talk.

Be Trustworthy

When people talk about their personal issues with us, we need to handle the information they give us with care. Outside of extreme situations in which you feel a person may harm themselves or others or you need to report suspected abuse to protective services or law enforcement, you should protect the privacy of the person who confides in you. Assure them that you will always ask for their permission first before you share with another pastor or leader in order to best meet their needs.

Listen Well

We can all be quick to offer advice because human nature wants to fix what’s broken. We grab a snippet and run with it. After all, the sooner we can make repairs, the sooner life can return to normal. But when we rush to solve problems, we often communicate to others that we’re not really hearing them. Active listening means we pay close attention to what the other person is saying without jumping ahead to formulate our response well before they finish their thought. It also looks like putting your cell phone away, closing the lid of your laptop, maintaining eye contact, asking questions to gain further clarification, and validating the feelings they express.

Offer the Gift of Silence

Some of us aren’t good with silence as part of the conversation. But often, when a parent is hurting, the most supportive thing we can do is to simply be there with them. Allowing space for their tears and pain can be a gift in situations where there really are no words to be said. One of the most loving things we can do is to avoid using what I call “Christianisms.” We’ve all heard them – sayings that sound like they come from scripture but really don’t. Things like “God will never give you more than you can handle” or “Everything happens for a reason.” The truth is there will always be things in life that no one can endure outside of the moment-by-moment strength the Lord gives. And although the Lord is always at work to bring good out of even the darkest valleys, there are senseless tragedies that happen because our world has been broken by sin. 

Extend Specific Help

How many times have we told people to call us if they need anything? It’s almost second nature to offer. However, there may be better ways to extend help. When parents are in crisis mode, they often can’t think about or articulate what assistance they need. Look to find specific ways others can help, like running errands, dropping off a meal or gift card to a local take-out place, doing yard work, cleaning their house, or meeting for coffee. Enlist a team of people to care for families who need to feel the support of others acting as the hands and feet of Jesus.

In addition to the ideas offered in this article, I’m sure you have more to add to the conversation or maybe even questions you’d like to ask. To connect with fellow volunteers, leaders, and pastors (and me!), join our Ministry to Parents Community at www.facebook.com/groups/m2pcommunity.